Gordy and the Grinder.

It gave Gordy goose bumps to watch the gray grinding machine growl as it grabbed whatever was given to it. He placed a gold star sticker against the grain of the grand granite counter top on which the gray grinder sat. Gordy got giddy when he got up enough gusto to get close to the gray grinder, Gosh!" Gordy grinned, as he gave it green gum drops which disappeared inside the grinder. Wanting to make the day even greater, Gordy sought more glamorous gifts to give the gadget. Sadly there was a ghastly glitch. Gordy got greedy. It was a trait all Grisbys shared and little Gordy Grisby got it too. Gordy got hungry and green gum drops are good when gas in your gut gets to growling. Gordy grabbed for a gum drop but the gray grinder grabbed Gordy instead. "Good God!" Gordy gasped as his hand got ground up on the gears along with those green gum drops he got from his grandpas garage on the corner of Gladstone and Gateway in the city of Gibbstown. When they got to him, green gunk was gushing from the grinder; a combination of gum drops and ground up Gordy. There is a lesson to be learned from Gordy's tale; parents keep an eye on your curious kids around things that could do them harm.

The Art of Toast

I reached in the bag and grabbed two pieces of bread from the middle of the loaf while a series of first class yawns worked their way out of my system. As I turned around and dropped the bread into the toaster I thought to myself that I probably should have washed my hands. "Oh well, it's too late now." I said out loud to no one. Besides, the toasting would kill any germs that I might have gotten on the bread I told myself, not knowing if it was true or not. I pressed down on the lever and the bread dropped out of sight, almost.

I was annoyed as I stared at the top quarter-inch of bread that remained safely above the toasting zone. I asked myself why I let that bother me; I have been using the same toaster for 6 years so it's not like it's a big surprise when that top portion mocks me in cool comfort. Still, it bothered me but I would soon exact my revenge by dropping those smug slices of bread head-first straight into hell.

A smile of satisfaction broke across my face as I heard the tell-tale crackling that signaled bread turning to toast. I was lost in the hypnotic glow of the orange toasting filaments when I felt my cat gently rub up against my leg. When I looked down, she was already moving on to bigger things.

I looked back at the toaster and knew it was crunch time. You see, in my early twenties I learned that the darkness dial on every single toaster ever made wasn't really hooked up to anything. It was put there as a sick joke by toaster engineers beginning in 1907. If you can get a retired toaster man to talk, he'll tell you the same thing but you might have to loosen him up with alcohol and a promise not to tell anybody. So to rely on the darkness dial is pure suicide, only a fool would chance it and I ain't no fool. Instinctively sensing that I was approaching the point of no-toast return, I reached over and raised the lever, ending the process before any real damage could occur.

As I threw the hot toast onto a plate, I paused for a second to admire the perfect golden brown earth tones that now covered the fragile slices. "Look what I've accomplished and I haven't even been up for 5 minutes." I thought proudly.

It was going to be a great day.

Burt and the Bees.

I told Burt to stay away from those damn bees.

When he walked across the yard with that stick in his hand, I knew he was heading for their nest. He was asking for it. He swung the stick at the basketball sized nest with all his might; all the while laughing like a kid in a candy store.

Soon he was dancing. Dancing the funniest dance I ever saw.

I started laughing too.

Then Burt quit laughing, but he kept on dancing. Burt started screaming. I kept on laughing. "I told you Burt!" I shouted from across the yard. I don't think Burt heard me though, because of all of the screaming.

Burt could run very fast, faster than I thought he could but not as fast as those damn bees. When he stumbled and fell, he got right back up. Then he fell down again. He made it easy for the bees. It got pretty quiet pretty quickly. Except for the buzzing. I tried to count all the bees on Burts body but I quit at a hundred and went inside to eat lunch.

Later, when I returned to Burt, all the bees were gone.

He was pretty puffed up. I went and picked up the stick Burt had used to swing at the nest and later at the bees. I called it a swinging stick. I used the swinging stick to poke Burt in the face. I renamed it a poking stick. Burt let out a soft moan. He couldn't tell who poked him in the face. His eyes were all swelled shut.

I told Burt he should have stayed away from those damn bees.

I don't think he heard me though.

Are You In?

Lately I've been thinking about food. For thousands of years humans were strictly an agricultural society. If you didn't raise the chicken, beef or pigs you ate for dinner yourself, chances are you bought it from your local butcher whom you knew on a first name basis. You probably knew the farmer who raised the livestock as well. The same went for vegetables; everything was local or at least regional and it was organic. If you lived someplace where the growing season wasn't year round, you would can your food so it would stay fresh through the long winters.
How different things are today. With corporate farming, pre-packaged frozen meals and a fast food restaurant on almost every corner, I wonder if farmer Jones from 1909 would realize where he was? Perhaps he would think that he landed on Mars. What would he think of a Hungry Man 1 lb turkey and stuffing "meal"? I bet he would spit it out. Some people call it better living through science, I'm not so sure. With giant food conglomerates like Con Agra cranking out hundreds of thousands of "meals" every day, common sense says that it's not grandmas home cookin' coming off those conveyor belts. Sure, it's deemed safe by the FDA but that doesn't mean it's good for us. As a matter of fact, a quick glance at the ingredients list and nutritional label of most foods tells the story; chemicals and bad stuff that never grew in great-grampas' country garden now make up your burrito, Big Mac and pot pie.
Here's my challenge to you: Try to go 2 weeks without eating anything artificial or pre-packaged. Things like pre-packaged frozen vegetables, chicken breasts or salmon fillets are fine but not frozen vegetables packaged in any kind of "sauce" or cheese. I understand that most things contain BHT to maintain freshness or some other kind of preservative; it's pretty hard to avoid every single thing. Pre-sliced, pre-packaged deli meats are up to you, I would avoid them but that's your call. I understand that you have to pack a luch for work. Also, I'm human, so I'll look the other way if you down a hand full of trail mix with M&M's once a day; as long as you do the same for me. The real goal is to stay out of the drive-thru and eat real food at home. It's only for 14 days, if you can't go that long perhaps it's time for you to start thinking about food as well and ask yourself what the hell is going on.

A quick rant

I don't know how it is where you live but here in Minnesota 80% of the people can't seem to follow the most basic rules of driving. There are two things that always cause me to take a deep breath and repeat my peaceful mantra so I don't have a heart attack or seriously hurt somebody. But even as I type this, I feel my blood pressure rising. The two things are: merging and left hand turns. In a way their kinda related because people seem to do the exact opposite of what their supposed to do in each circumstance. More times than not when someone is on an entrance or exit ramp, they ride the ass of the car in front of them instead of keeping at least a car lengths distance to let themselves and other cars easily merge in and out of traffic. On the opposite end, I sit and watch in amazement at left turn lights. When the arrow turns green everyone seems to count to 10 when the person in front of them starts moving, only when they reach 10 do they start to move themselves. Often times I see an insane gap before I start screaming "GO!" Sometimes I scream other things. If people would pay attention, 4 or 5 more cars could make the turn but that rarely happens. I swear they're laughing at me as the light turns red and they've caused me to sit through another light cycle. So, if you're one of those people, I'm asking you to please think and use your common sense. Sadly, most people don't even realize that they are morons because they are morons. If you are not one of these people, thanks for reading my rant and watch for yourselves how people merge and turn. Soon you too will be in need of a mantra if you don't have one already.

Change

This week I made a lifestyle change. I'm not going to say I'm on a health kick because that implies something temporary, I'm going for long term. After I was laid off from my job, my physical activities seemed to have gotten laid off along with it. When I was working I was on my feet a lot, getting in a nice aerobic workout in the printing biz. A nice benefit to moving large silk-screen frames around is that you burn calories.
Modern technology is great, it has improved and streamlined almost every aspect of life, including job hunting. The last time I applied for a job, I got in my car and went to the company and asked the receptionist for an application. It was a slow process, if the different companies I was applying to were scattered throughout the city, it could take the better part of the day just to fill out 3 or 4 applications. Now, with my resume uploaded in my computer, I can apply to 4 companies in 5 minutes; all from the comfort of my couch. That's where the problem lies. Looking back it was a pain in the butt to drive all around town but at least it got me moving. I had to move in order to get out of my house, into my car, to the place I was applying. Maybe it wasn't that much, but it was something. Today, going from my bed to the coffeemaker and then to the couch isn't exactly physically demanding stuff. It started to show.
I started down a slippery slope. With less money coming in, I started to visit all the wrong places way too often. When times get tough a $1 chicken sandwich from McDonald's or a 99 cent double stack from Wendy's seems like a good idea; until you're finished eating it. The equation is pretty simple: high calorie,high fat foods+ sedentary living=weight gain. It's not that I ate fast food all the time, I didn't. In order for me to gain weight I didn't have to eat fast food exclusively, wrong choices in the grocery store can do the job just as effectively. Well, I'm done with it.
Earlier this week I logged on to craigslist and found a Healthrider fitness machine for $25, a hell of a deal. A steal actually. I bought it from a kind of internet middleman store; a place that holds all the inventory for people who want to sell their stuff but apparently don't know how ebay or craigslist work. The guy from the store even carried it out and loaded it in my car. Standing in the parking lot, I gave him $25 cash and asked about tax, he said no and we went our separate ways. Leaving the parking lot, I felt like I was getting away with something. It was about 80 miles round trip to get it back to my house but it was a great day for a drive and it's not like I had anything else on my schedule for the afternoon.
I've only used it for a short time; I'm still pretty sore and I can feel it working muscles I haven't used in a while but it's a good kind of sore. And I've doubled the number of reps from the first time I used it. It's low impact, almost no impact which is nice. With no stress to my joints, I think I'm able to use it for longer periods of time than I would a treadmill or jogging. Eventually I'll add free weights into my routine.
My fridge is stocked with healthier foods and I'm gonna do my best to keep the bad stuff to a minimum. I won't deny myself anything, I know that doesn't work. If I want something I'll have it. Everything in moderation. As long as I stay on track I will be burning more calories than I'm taking in.
I took some "before" pictures and I'll post them after I feel I've made some progress. No sense posting anything until I have some kind of "after" picture to post next to it.
To be continued...............

This makes me laugh.